How to Make an Insult
A few years ago, on an internet discussion group, there was a lively interchange about some obscure geeky computer related topic. The conversation got heated and two of the participants started trading insults. Here is the contribution of a bystander who got sick of their inane stupidity:
You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. You
are a canker. A sore that won't go away. You're a putrescent mass, a
walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but
the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a weasel. Your life is
a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a
You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared
richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into
this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody,
abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then
killed themselves in recognition of what they had done.
I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same
species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the
very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers
avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed,
a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?
You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up,
drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you
loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy
pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy,
convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs.
You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid,
nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an
Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are
unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that
You are a waste of flesh. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the
moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless
void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile
one-handed slack-jawed drooling meatslapper.
You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are
asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You
spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.
You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger
off, pillock. You grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You
clouted boggish foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish
plonker. You gormless crook-pated tosser. You churlish
boil-brained clotpole ponce. You cockered bum-bailey
poofter. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup pratting naff.
You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing
beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill.
You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are
degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you
exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away.
I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard
stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it
goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of
stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid
collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed.
Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity
stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit
more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year.
Quasar stupid. Nothing in our universe can really be this
stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the
original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so
uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics
that we know.